By Steve Deace
As someone that’s been accused of being a “purist” because I think we actually ought to stand for the stuff in our party platform at least once in-between sightings of Halley’s Comet, I’m often criticized by the feckless among us for helping Democrats win by pointing out Republican failures.
Of course, I have no idea how expecting Republicans to stop the Democrat policies and ideas we all claim we oppose is considered more of a problem than the Republicans actually implementing those same Democrat policies and ideas. But I’m sure that’s just my unreasonably high standards talking again.
Anyhoo, being aligned with the “surrender caucus” gives you a front row seat to snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. These guys know losing like I know my wife—carnally. With that in mind, I am confident that if you want Hillary Clinton to be the next president you should continue doing the following things:
- Join the ranks of the “Anybody but Hillary” Walking Dead.
If your goal is to prove to everybody you’re not a critical thinker, this mantra is for you.
Zombies eat brains but humans (allegedly) use theirs. Let’s use our brains for just a moment, shall we? You mean to tell me “anybody” but Hillary is your standard? Really? How about Pol Pot then? Okay, he’s assumed room temperature, as has the IQs of those repeating this nonsense, but Kim Jong-Un is still alive and kicking over in North Korea. How about him then? How about Barack Obama while we’re at it, since his name isn’t Hillary Clinton, either? Just thinking out loud here, but might it be possible for us to raise our standard just a little bit higher than finding someone “better” than a more lucid version of Debbie Wasserman-Schultz?
Making your standard “anybody but Hillary” is a sure way to make sure the 2016 GOP nominee will not be properly vetted on the issues, and/or battle-tested for what’s to come. You know who loves this tripe? The GOP candidates who are terrible on our issues and plan to battle us and not Hillary once in office.
- Become a Groupie.
Even if we deported every Marxist from our government to Canada (don’t send them to Mexico, because they’d just return as an illegal alien), we’d still have the groupies to save what’s left of Western Civilization from.
Unfortunately, social media is a platform for the self-empowerment for the groupie. No longer is the groupie found backstage cozying up to the object of their unbridled affection, but he’s now littering your newsfeeds and timelines.
Take “my candidate is the only (fill in the blank)” guy as just one example. This is the guy who thinks his candidate is the “only one” who has principles, has read the Constitution, can split the atom with his bare hands, and may even know who let the dogs out. It goes without saying that pinning all one’s hopes on any fallible human being is a fool’s errand, which explains why the groupie will then blame you for pointing out his idol’s shortcomings once they’re made known.
Sometimes the groupie becomes so emotionally dependent on its political host they start saying things like “he doesn’t really mean that, but he’s just saying it to play the game” as a rationalization for their idol’s latest betrayal.
Hackneyed politicians couldn’t survive without such groupies. They are the wind beneath their wretched wings, playing the role of fan boy and human shield in exchange for unrequited love. Meanwhile, the republic burns. Usually at the hands of the ones they’re slobbering all over.
- Make sure to introduce all your social media friends/followers to every liberal media troll they probably hadn’t heard of until now.
Because nobody elevates and is influenced by the lamestream media more than we are. How are we self-loathing? Let us count the ways.
I’m convinced the only time anyone already not a card-carrying member of the Communist Party actually watches “Reverend Al,” or whatever the Sam Hill is on CNN at night (I honestly don’t know), is when we do and react to it. How much of Melissa Harris-Perry’s Twitter following comes from conservatives just waiting to lose it over the next fecal droppings she calls thoughts to percolate?
On one hand we complain about our neighbors being “low-information voters,” but then we also claim the liberal media holds all this sway over them at the same time? If that’s the case, how come most of them don’t even know Joe Biden is vice president? Granted, Biden also doesn’t know he’s vice president, so that might not be the best example. But you get what I’m saying.
If you think there’s a chance a dude is smoother than you, don’t introduce him to your girlfriend. If you think there’s a woman who might be prettier than you, don’t show her picture to your husband. If you want people to drink Coke, why do you post about how bad Pepsi is all the time? Most people are tempted by the forbidden fruit, so if you keep showing it to them they’re liable to sample it.
If you don’t want a fire to spread you deny it air. If a tree falls in the forest and nobody heard it, did it happen? Just because Brian Williams claims he was there and witnessed the whole thing doesn’t make it so.
The bad news is most Americans aren’t even aware of the two sides of the debate here. The good news is many of them will vote anyway. That means when you’ve got a captive audience to sell your product, spend at least as much time promoting it as you are responding to your competitor’s trolls.
- Treat parody sites as actual news.
Not a day goes by a fellow conservative doesn’t send me some sensational headline from a parody site as if it’s true. You’d think with a real, live Marxist in the White House we wouldn’t have to make stuff up, but apparently we do.
I think the phony headline about Chief Justice John Roberts issuing an arrest warrant for Obama has been sent to me 1,345,619 times now. Or that’s how many episodes of “Full House” my kids have made me watch. Either way, there’s a better chance Dave “Uncle Joey” Coulier will get back together with Alanis Morissette than your friends will trust your political opinions after you’ve proven yourself to be so easily duped.
You outta know…better. Here’s your sign…err…Obama phone, and your one-way ticket to Kenya.
- Nominate Jeb Bush
Doesn’t energize the base? Check. A blue-blooded corporatist loathed by the middle class? Check. Has all the charisma of John Kerry pre-facelift? Check.
Hey, does anybody know if there’s any precedent for what happens when we nominate this kind of candidate? I’m asking for a friend.
Steve Deace “is a rising star” that represents “the next generation” in conservative media.
Steve Deace was influential in the first-in-the-nation Iowa Caucuses and has been prominently featured on national media outlets.
His nationally-syndicated “Steve Deace Show” is heard in five of the top 10 markets in the country. Deace’s newly released book is titled: Rules for Patriots: How Conservatives Can Win Again.
Steve Deace has been a contributor for USA Today, Politico, Business Insider, Breitbart, WND, Townhall, and The Washington Times. He’s been a guest pundit on all three major cable news networks as well.
Steve Deace lives in Iowa which provides him with a grassroots conservative perspective often lacking in a beltway media culture.